The past few months I have been attending too many conferences and symposiums
I realised how 80% of the talks are either outside your field of interest or you capability of understanding or are based on sloppy, repetitive science! I learned a few lessons that I shall try to keep in mind when i am on either side of the dais
For the speaker:
Never let people switch off lights while you are talking (especially if your talk is post lunch)
Please stick to the topic of your talk... we don't have time to listen to your random ramblings
Do not ever read off the lines of your presentation.. others are quite capable of doing it themselves!
Do not fill up the slides with text, no one is going to read that stuff and if you try to read it out to them, believe me no one is going to listen to you either
If you must use a gadget make sure you learn how to use it! Do not waste our time while you are discovering how to operate a slide changer while the rest of us are patiently watching you curse the instrument, bang it on the table, dip it in water, pressing all buttons simultaneously etc.. you will probably end up revealing all your slides or worse still ruin the instrument.. JUST ASK FOR HELP!!
If the time spent on a slide is < 50-60sec.. one (or more) of the following is true:
1) You are probably too fast: slow down or no one will absorb anything you are trying to tell
2) You have too many slides: Be ruthless! Cut down the number of slides in your presentation
3) The slide is useless, just remove it! just say that one line.... you dont need a SLIDE for that!
4) You are not confident of the stuff you put in there and want to skim through it: go read it up or better still get rid of that slide!
If it is >5-7 mins:
1) You are clubbing too much information: split it logically, makes it easier to understand ( you cant make a person eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together, can you?)
2) You have no idea why you are giving this presentation, you have very little data/info and you are just making up stories: spare us the horror.... unless you are indeed a good story teller :)
3) No one ever let you speak about your glorious by-gone days and you are not going to miss this chance...every slide is a speech given by an actor in the 'lifetime achievement' award category OR you want us to know the gory detail of every experiment (failed or otherwise) done in your lifetime! .... look around... we have all fallen asleep! yawwnnn!
Never crack a joke unless you are sure people will laugh! there is nothing more embarrassing than a failed joke! But if you must insist.. please stop looking at the audience in anticipation of laughter with that stupid grin! JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT SLIDE!
Do not spill over! there are others in line too.... If not, then we have other things to do! If you are shameless enough to spill over, it is just fair enough that people walk out of the auditorium... it is not rude!
Answers to questions should not be a recital of a Shakespeare play! Keep it short, simple. if you don't know it please be honest enough to admit... believe me you cannot make it up.. remember, the guy who asked you the question probably knows the answer already!
This one is especially for all of you who are going to give your colloquium:
Yes, we know it has been really long and you faced a lot and a lot many people pitched in but 5 slides for acknowledgement is an overkill!
We are not interested in knowing who cooked food for you or paid your telephone bills, or who took you out for coffee everyday or how the dog outside your hostel accompanied you to lab every night to protect you...
nor are we interested in a long list of friends from different labs/institutes (who practically just said hi and bye to you..) Let's face it.. you were after all a phd student .. 'friends': two is many.. three is hardly possible!
don't try to show off that you had a big gang of bum-chums (half of them will be wondering why their names are up there)
For the audience:
Never ever attend a talk because you had nothing better to do (unless the internet in lab is down)....in that case just go and sleep
If you are late (more than 5 mins) please do not enter and try to find your way in the dark and step over people's feet or mow their belongings in your hurry to find a seat for yourself quickly to escape the dirty looks others are giving you!
If you have something pressing to tell your neighbour, kindly whisper!! ..and yes, finish it off quickly!
And switch off that damn mobile phone!! there is nothing more annoying for the speaker and the rest of the victims of your carelessness..
(If you must keep it on.. remember there is a silent mode). In case your phone rings accidentally... please remember....no one is interested in listening to that irritating ring tone of yours... just disconnect. If it is an emergency please for heaven's sake take the call outside.. dont start talking in the auditorium.. and others.. please.. take this as a reminder... check on your phones.. make sure they are switched off!!
Questions must not be asked for the sake of asking ( unless of course, no one volunteers to ask anything at the end of an hour long talk.. in that case be nice to the speaker and just ask something.... stupid questions do not qualify)
If it is going to be a long talk and you dont get interested in the first 10 mins.. you are well within your rights to walk out ( if you are sure that you will do so discretely and do not result in a noise level >40dB)
The one lesson I learned today: It is not worth going through the torture of listening to a boring, useless, meaningless talk just because you want to get free food.. believe me it is not worth it ( unless y
ou know the menu already and can't kill your greed) :)
Overall, please give the treatment to the person/people on the other side of the dais what you would expect if you were in that place!
